Reintegrate

Today is July 1st. Normally, this would not be too memorable of a day; regular school is usually on break, and summer school wont begin until after the 4th of July. However, this year is unlike previous years because of my study abroad here in Hiroshima. This day marks the beginning of the last full month I will have in Japan. I will only have two weeks in August before I return to Hawaii, and begin a new year at the University of Hawaii at Manoa. As much as I want to go back home, I am filled with fear, not quite unlike when I came here. While I know that I will overcome them, the uncertainty of it all worries me.

First of all, my friends in Hawaii have changed. Not that this is bad, or unwanted; indeed, it would be wrong of me to have expected them to have stayed frozen in a year. But that's just it; a year has passed, in which they've done things, experienced things, and may not be like when I left them. While as far as I can tell, they're all still friends, they may have met people whom they have become closer to, while there are others who have left their life. How will I deal with this? I would not like to offend anyone, but what if I ask them about someone or something that brings up unpleasant memories or feelings? I cant be sure exactly of what kind of changes have happened, because I have only kept in contact with them through facebook, but I would be really surprised if everything were as when I left Hawaii.

But what really bothers me is how much I've changed. And I'm not talking about my Japanese ability (which, to be honest, got only marginally better, imho). For one thing, I've developed a relationship with alcohol. I still maintain that I'm not a hardcore partier, who drinks it every night, and gets drunk all the time, but I would be lying if I said that it had never happened, or that I understand the allure. But how this will integrate with my life in Hawaii is something I do not know. I know that I will not be able to drink as often as I do here, because I will be more concentrated on my schoolwork. But also, how will I drink? I am not inclined to go clubbing, but will my friends want to join me at 居酒屋? We wont have a lake to gather around like we do here, so will someone's dorm or common area be acceptable? Who will join me? I'd rather not have hardcore people there, but will my regular friends join me, drinking what they will, while I have my 梅酒?

Another hard change for me will probably be focusing on school work. While I never slacked off as hard as some people, I didnt try as hard as I could have in school. I mean, I passed alright, but not as amazingly as I could have. And things havent gotten better here in Japan. Because I dont understand everything the teacher says, I've let a lot of things slip by, instead of looking them up, or noting them down. And it doesnt help that Japanese standards are a lot lower than American ones, which means I'm getting by on things that would never fly in America. I guess you could say that my academic abilities have degraded somewhat here in Japan. However, when I go back to Hawaii, that must change. I'll be entering my senior year, which means I'll be taking more upper division classes. Those are going to be more challenging than anything I've taken before (hopefully), so it is unlikely that I'll be able to just slide along. And also, because they're upper division, they'll be more important to my majors, Japanese and (soon) political science. So it is imperative that I learn what I need to learn from them. But most importantly, since I want to apply to grad school, I'll need to be in top form. I'll need to maintain a high grade point average, and get good grades. I'll also need to get friendly with teachers so that they can write me really good letters of recommendation, or give me advice about the future (class discussions, grad school, jobs). I've said it often, but I really do need to get rid of my bad study habits and kick it into high gear. Japan has encouraged me to slack off; how quickly can I get rid of that kind of mentality?

When I came to Japan, I was worried about getting along with my fellow 留学生 and making new friends. Unexpectedly, I'm having the same worries about going back to Hawaii. Will I still click with my old friends? Can I get out of my Japanese college student mindset and back into an American one? Unfortunately, I will not find out, until I actually get there.